i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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