Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
