My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
