sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
