i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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