roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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