Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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