The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
