My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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