so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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