I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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