Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
He passed out mid-signature
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
