Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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