So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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