yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Also, beer. Big fan.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
