There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
