Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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