im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
They took my balls.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
