i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
We were destined to go to rehab together
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
