textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize