Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
