Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think im going to throw up on grandma
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
