forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
