Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Randomize
