is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
do herpes really smell.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
