I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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