shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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