sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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