but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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