I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You're a waste of cheezeits
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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