i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
