i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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