i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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