remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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