I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
