i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize