A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
