Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
