Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
