weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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