i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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