I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
