hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
