This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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