Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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