First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
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you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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