It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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