they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
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On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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