Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
