I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Randomize
