so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
