When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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