i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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