haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
