I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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