im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
